As most of you know I’m a Chicago born yankee living in the south.
A few days ago I’m content contemplating the magic that now allows me to go to the bathroom by myself without a pounding toddler on the door yelling mom or wanting in. It’s so nice now that he’s 11 yrs old he has found other interesting ways to bug me but has learned to let me pee alone without interruption! So I’m sitting on my perch in the bathroom doing my business when it happened!!
: Tinkle Tinkle: enter sounds of tearing toliet tissue from the roll here. Then :CRACK: quickly followed by the loudest scream of the word OUCH I’ve ever spewed forth from my mouth.
What was the pain from may you ask well this cheap woman bought a new toliet seat some months back. Being the cheap heffer that I am, I opted for the $5 seat instead of a $20 seat. I mean come on your ass hits it daily other than that what’s so special about it that I need to spend $20 on a toilet seat? For $20 it better greet me and wipe for me!
I am the only female in a house with two males who constantly leave the damn seat up. I’ve fallen booty first into the water too many times to count by now. So every time I walk into the bathroom I get all bitchy and slam down the toliet seat like a good little trained monkey. The seat always hits with such force that I sometimes wonder if it will break on me.
Yep see where this is going yet? …
Turns out the difference between those $5 and $20 seats what that the 1st was made of particle board actually saw dust and glue to be exact. While the 2nd was solid hard plastic. In my reach for toilet tissue the seat broke on both sides making my oval seat now two u-shaped pieces. This itself did not justify the scream that bellowed out of my body from my toes to my head! No sir.. When the seat cracked it trapped my poor tender ass flesh in the cracks. OMG the horror - the pain - I am now forever scared of the toilet in my house.. LoL
Once hubby figures out what happend he’s rolling in laughter I myself am pissed off. I could totally see if my big ass weighed like 400+ pounds but umm yeah it so isn’t close.. Bad toilet seat bad bad!
The real hilarity of the ordeal was not my poor ass or even the facts I broke the focking seat. I gain my composure walk into the living room and stare at the hubby. Tell him he gets to make the 30 mile trip to Lowes for a new seat not me. We playfully bicker back and forth as he hates shopping and really hates the fact he has to drive 60 miles round trip to go to a non Mom & Pop shop.
A few hours later the kid will be home from school soon and there is a broken toilet seat. No biggie we can manage until tomorrow when I go to Lowes for a new one. But what made this so funny to me is my husband totally fails at being a good redneck male.
I look at him with stupidity in my eyes and exclaim, “Honey if you were a real redneck male you would have duct taped that focking seat together by now!” To which he replies, “I didn’t think of that but I don’t have any duct tape.” OMG WTF no duct tape? He so fails at being a redneck!!
ROFLMDBO!!!! No duct tape? I am a city girl, and even I know that every house has to have duct tape…Just one of those staples, like milk, bread, eggs, duct tape….LoL
I hope that you don’t have black & blues where no one should…HeHe!
Have a better today!!
xxoo
You said it sister!
Now all I have to do is remember to pick up an extra roll for the house. I keep a roll in my car trunk with my small tool box. Duct tape, panty hose, cat litter {for traction in snow} & my tools.. LoL
I remember when I was a kid my dad showing me how to use pantyhose as a make shift fan belt on his old ranch truck when we were stranded in the Texas sun 30 miles from a phone or help.. Ahh the good old days..
LoL! Hose?!?! Never heard of that…I think that I need to add that to my “car kit”!
Have a GREAT weekend!
xxoo